Dear Water Company,

Believe me, I KNOW that our most recent water bill was ridiculous. I cringed as I opened it, and then cringed more as I paid it. But if you had driven past our house recently, you would have noticed that we’ve been doing some work. We put in a few trees, two flower gardens… Oh, and we re-graded one side of our yard and then planted all new grass there.

All those things require water. Lots of water, in fact, as they are just taking root. And, of course, we chose the year of the drought in which to do this landscaping. Which necessitated a whole lot of sprinkler-running.

I promise, next month will be better.

Sincerely,
The Constant Waterer

***

Dear Fraud Department,

I appreciate that you are always on top of things, monitoring my credit card use for any signs of suspicious activity. You watch for large transactions, strange transactions, and purchases that don’t line up with my usual spending habits.

However.

YES, I am the one who ordered some exercise clothing recently. It was not a fraudulent purchase.

I know this is shocking. Just ask our elliptical machine. It, too, was shocked when I actually worked out this week.

But hey, the last 5 months were rough. I’ve had a broken elbow, and VBS, and vacation, and…um…laziness.

But I’m back now. Back to exercising. And that required a small purchase. So, um, thanks for your phone call and email alerting me to the possibility of fraudulent credit card activity. But it’s okay. It was really me.

Sorely yours,
One Out-of-shape Exerciser

***

Dear Cruel Animal,

I don’t know who you are. I don’t even know what you are. But I do know that I am very upset with you.

See, I don’t have much of a green thumb. I’ve been known to accidentally kill my fair share of plants.

But this year, I had an Evening Primrose that was truly flourishing. It seemed that every morning, the plant had spread further, and the flowers were more abundant and more beautiful than ever.

However, we came home from vacation to find this, the pathetic remains of a once-thriving plant:

Oh, I had clues before we left. I noticed a nibble here and a nibble there. But during the week we were gone, you single-handedly destroyed my favorite plant. The signs of gnawing are irrefutable.

And I do not like you.

If I had the energy — and if I were not worried that the neighbors would think I was insane — I would conduct a stakeout on our front porch in order to catch you in the dead of night, when you come to seek and destroy beautiful flowering plants. But I can’t seem to stay up past 11:00 p.m.

So I will just write you a nasty letter on my blog.

And you better hope I never catch you.

With deep mourning and dislike,
Me