I got L.(5) settled into bed Friday night, following the usual routine.
Jammies were on, teeth were brushed, and Daddy got his hugs and kisses. Then the two of us climbed into L.’s bed and read one of my personal favorites, Calvin Can’t Fly.
We talked about starlings and flying and books, and we giggled a bit.
But before L. started his bedtime prayer, I had to tell him something.
“L.,” I said. “Can you look at me?”
“Yeah, mom?” he asked, turning so his blue eyes took in my gaze.
“I need to tell you that I’m really sorry for yelling at you earlier today. Remember when I did that?”
“Yeah. When you were putting the bikes on the car.”
***
Earlier in the day, I’d had the bright idea to take both boys to the local bike trail, so the three of us could enjoy a little ride. The idea itself wasn’t bad, but perhaps the spontaneity wasn’t ideal.
I had never put the bike rack on the car before (Chad always does that). I had never put bikes onto the bike rack before (Chad always does that too). It was hot. And my bike is heavy and shaped in such a way that it has to be put on the rack in a really weird way (and yes, Chad always handles that part, too).
C.(12) was incredibly helpful, but still, at one point I found myself sweaty, frustrated, and holding a heavy bike up in the air while realizing that my current approach to bike-rack-loading was simply not working.
L.(5) — not wanting me to forget his bike — pushed his bicycle over just then and stood with it, right next to me, right under the bike I was holding in the air.
And…I’m sure you can see it coming. Instead of responding with grace and kind concern, I yelled at him. I snapped at him. I ordered him to get back in the garage and just. wait. right. there.
He did. Patiently, he sat in the garage and waited until I finished loading bikes.
Ugh. I’m embarrassed to even recall it. It wasn’t a pretty moment. Yes, I was concerned that I would drop a bike on him. But was my response the right one? Far from it.
***
“That’s right, buddy,” I continued, smoothing his bed quilt where it lay on his shoulder. “When I was putting the bikes on the car. I yelled at you to get back in the garage and that wasn’t very nice of me. I should have spoken to you more kindly, and I should have let you know that I was concerned, instead of just sounding angry. I’m really sorry, L.”
“Mom?” he said. “I really, really forgive you.”
And that was that. As far as he was concerned, it was over.
***
I wish I could say that this incident was 100% out of character for me. I wish I could say that I never, ever yell at my kids, and that I always speak to them with just the right amount of gentleness mixed with just the right amount of firmness, surrounded with just the right amount of love.
But I can’t. I don’t think of myself as a “screamer,” but there are days, there are moments, when I respond out of frustration rather than love, when I’m quick to yell instead of quick to communicate. When I over-react. When I snap at my kids.
There have been other nights like last Friday, where we get to bedtime and I once again look one of my sons in the eye and apologize for my behavior.
And time after time, I’m amazed at their response. Yes, they remember the moments I’m apologizing for, but they don’t hesitate to forgive me. They don’t tell me that they’ll “try” to forgive me.
They just do.
Right away.
Completely.
And it’s over. No hard feelings. No grudges.
Just forgiveness. And love.
The forgiveness my children offer me is a grace that overwhelms me. It reminds me of the sure and complete forgiveness God offers us when we confess our sins to Him. It is more than I deserve.
And it spurs me on, makes me want to be a better mom, drives me to prayer, asking God for the grace and help to love my children better today than I did yesterday, and to love them better tomorrow than I do today.
I’m right there with you Katrina…I’ve done the same, received the same, and been amazed by the same. I’ve been told so many times that children are God’s method for sanctifying us, and I know it’s been true for me. I’m so grateful for the way my husband models forgiveness as well. God is SO kind to give us our families and the grace to walk humbly with them. Thanks for sharing your heart!
I would like to say that as a middle school teacher this has never happened to me but it has. At the beginning of the year I tell my students that just like them I am human and can be expected to make mistakes. I explain that I will not hesitate to apologize when I act this way. Last year I’d had an extremely rough day. Several of our students were deliberately targeting me and my asthma by spraying down my room. I wasn’t in the best of moods due to the incidents. A student came to me and told me they’d left their project at home again. I went off on her. I watched her feelings crumple in front of me. I walked away and gave myself 5 minutes to calm down. Then I stood in front of the class, called her name and got the attention of the entire class. I apologized to her and he entire class. She said she forgave me but I could still see the hurt there. I told her I heard her words and appreciated them but I wish I could take back the hurt and embarrasssment I had caused her. Her look told me she wasn’t real sure about what I’d said. She replied, “Wow Mrs. Stiles, no teacher has ever told me they were wrong and apologized.” One of my other students piped up and said, “Yeah, but the difference is she told us she’s a Christian and God tells her she has to do this ’cause if not she’s not acting like Jesus”. This is not a Christian school, just one of my Christian students reminding me of my responsibility to act like Jesus. You’ve heard the saying, Out of the mouths of babes.
ohh this post hit close to home! I am glad L was able to forgive you and you apologized.. that is better than I do at times.. This is certainly an area I need to grow!
You are SO not alone. Sigh…I had my moment (and it was a very long one) a couple weekends ago. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow each time I lose my cool! Yes, the weather, or my expectations, and most often “that time of month”, but truly, as moms and examples of Christ to our kids, it’s still not ok. Have I mentioned I’m talking to myself, not you? It’s so precious how our children forgive us.
Oh..I talk loudly (aka scream) at my girls quite a few times too..in fact there were some days it was so bad I feel that they were out to make me shout..but slowly I come to realize that if I were to take a deep breath..move one step back..I can ‘solve’ whatever problem on-hand in a better way..I’m still trying..still learning..guess that’s what part of motherhood is about..