I was recently listening to a podcast from Family Life Today that was recommended to me by my friend, Jennifer. At the beginning of the podcast, the host said,
In a lot of marriages, one partner pays more careful attention to “playing life by the rules” than the other one does.
They further developed this concept throughout the next 20 minutes or so, talking about how some people have a strong sense of black-and-white, while others live in shades of gray. Some people’s personalities contain an overriding desire for justice and fairness, while others are going to forge their own way according to their own rules. Some feel strongly about doing things the way we all know we’re “supposed to” do them (they have “an internal sense of ought-ness“), and others wonder who made those so-called rules in the first place and why in the world are we expected to follow them?
I love discussions about personality types, and especially how those personalities play out in marriage and other relationships. In my marriage, I am most definitely the one who “plays by the rules,” while Chad…well, let’s just say “not so much.” However, as I pondered my own sense of ought-ness, I realized that I’m not as extreme as some relatives people might think. There are areas where I am rather stubborn about following the rules — spoken or unspoken. But there are other areas where I’m much more flexible, or even don’t care a whit for the “so-called rules.”
Let me give you some examples:
Cases in which I feel strongly about following the rules
- Anytime I/we are putting together something that has “some assembly required.” If there are printed instructions, they are meant to be followed. Not following them will likely lead to some horrible result, like a bookshelf falling apart just as you set the final book on it or an electronic toy electrocuting your one-year-old. Chad opens the box and gets started, while I scramble frantically for the instructions, to make sure he doesn’t get too far before I make sure he’s doing it all the right way.
- Anything involving government forms. This goes for a variety of things, but especially taxes. I get very uptight when it comes time to gather my forms and figures for tax-time. Even though I most likely have everything in order, I’m worried that I will miss something or accidentally make some kind of mistake. Some people might think it’s no big deal — hey, we can always file an amended return later — but I disagree. We must follow the rules, and we must do it right the first time.
- When playing games. Games have rules. Games are made to be played by the rules. If you do not like to play by the rules, you probably don’t want to play games with me. I generally do not respond well to rule-breakers, and simply cannot overlook a flagrant violation of the written rules. If, however, you agree that game rules are a good thing, I’m very pleasant to play with. I promise.
Cases in which I might be known to bend, or outright break, the “rules”
- The “rules” of fashion. I’ve never made any claim to being fashionable, so I don’t worry myself over whether I’m wearing the correct shade of brown for this season or whether my purse is “so last year.” If people look at me and think, “Ugh, she’s so unfashionable,” that’s okay with me. I’m comfortable, and my husband is not embarrassed to be seen with me, so it’s good enough. As an aside, I never wear white after Labor Day, but not because I’m fashion-conscious. It’s because I never wear white, ever. I’ve learned that white clothing + small children (or, for that matter, white clothing + me + marinara sauce or other similar foods) equals disaster.
- Speed limits. Okay, okay, I admit it: any time I see a speed limit sign, I don’t exactly take it literally. I tend to assume that it really means whatever number is on it plus a couple. I don’t really feel guilty about this, but I often wonder if I should. Naturally, I make sure I’m driving safely for the neighborhood as well as road and weather conditions, but if all is well, I automatically give myself the leeway of that extra couple mph. (I am, however, a stickler for all other rules of the road, including the ever-lengthening rules about kids and carseats.) And on the rare occasion when I have received a speeding ticket, I’ve accepted my punishment gracefully. Or mostly gracefully, anyway.
- Those unspoken housekeeping rules. You know, those rules like, “You must do spring cleaning every year, wherein you thoroughly clean your house from top to bottom” or “You must scour every bathroom in your house once per week or more” or “You really should clean out your fridge once a month.” I just can’t seem to work myself up enough to care about those rules. I clean when I clean. I keep the house decent enough so Chad actually wants to come home after work, and I eliminate bacteria regularly. But other than that… Just call me a housekeeping rebel.
There are more in both categories, but I think that’s a good start. So what about you? Do you tend to be a rule-follower or a rule-breaker? Are you the one in your house grabbing the instructions, or do you dive into a project without worrying whether or not you’re doing it “right”?
Great post Katrina, as I started reading I was thinking I always follow rules. I am completely with you on the instructions things, it’s what there there for. My husband also thinks the intuitive approach to assembling things is better.
As I scrolled down thought I saw maybe I don’t always follow rules, I’m with you on the house and driving rules and I’m not that great on the 5 fruit and vegetables a day rule but I should probably work on that one!
How interesting.
I am definitely a rule follower and carry through to other things where it’s sort of an unspoken rule. I have to work at being a bit more flexible.
I’m not a fashionista, either. I had to lol at your comments about wearing white — I’ve often said I can’t wear white til I get to heaven.
I don’t follow strict housecleaning rules, either, and we live in a sanitary home. I’d much rather clean when something needs it than because it’s on the schedule.
I follow instructions when I’m putting things together because otherwise I would have no clue what to do. But my husband has an engineering background, likes to problem solve, and “learns by doing,” and what he puts together is usually fine, so I trust him when he just starts assembling. He often even scoffs at the directions or rants about how the whole thing should have/could have been done better.
Probably where I am most a stickler for “the rules” would be anything involving sanitation or germs. I tend to be a little OCD there. Once when I was getting prepped for surgery, the surgeon had his gloved hand against the wall while he talked to someone, and I thought, “Excuse me… you’re touching that wall and that hand is going inside me. Who knows what’s on that wall. Shouldn’t you not touch anything but sterile instruments and me after you’ve been scrubbed and gloved?” Didn’t say it but wished I would have.
I don’t have “a place for everything,” but those things I do have a place for, I’m a stickler about. The ones in the family who most break those “rules” are the ones who often open a refrigerator door and ask where something is (rather than looking in its place) or can’t find their own things.
I’m also a stickler for “preventative maintenance.” Things like running a little water in a dish put in the sink will prevent it from getting dried out and harder to clean later. I’ve learned from long, hard experience that often a little time spent at one point will prevent a lot more time and effort later.
Interesting post — fun to think about! And it’s probably one of those areas where opposites tend to come together.
I could have written this post. I’m the rule follower in our house and my husband come from a family that believes rules were made for everyone but them. And when it comes to playing games, they follow “Fuller” rules, not the ones that came in the box. Makes.Me.Crazy!
Great post – see, I am not married but share a house with 5 other young people. And this sometimes REALLY does feel like being married, because you start bugging the others for not doing this and that (or doing certain things).
And through this experience I really can say, I am a total rule player…
Dishwashers HAVE to be filled in a certain way… and the garden HAS to look like this… and the kitchen has to be cleaned like this…
One day my housemate told me, I’d be a great housewife but a terrible housemate… He is still sorry for saying this and invited me to cinema for saying so, but sometimes I think he was very right.
Keeping too many rules sometimes keeps me of being loving enough. Rules and being angry is so near to eachother, even if some rules are necessary…
Thanks for the reminder!
My husband is a BIG TIME rule follower, ESPECIALLY about money. And thank goodness, because otherwise we would be broke and poor and living in a box.
Yes, I laughed when they joked about living in a “gray oblivion.” Even when I was growing up my mom would always respond to my thoughts with “no gray.” I guess that she’s less of a rule follower.
It sounds like we follow very similar commands. In fact when I was a Youth Camp counselor one year, the slogan that they made up to pin on me was “We must play by the rules!”
I also agreed with the guy on the podcast who said that a 30 mph speed limit really just means, drive carefully, and if no one else is around you could stretch it a bit.
I really liked this post. I would say I am like you — some “ought-ness” and some break the rules (especially about housekeeping). Men WILL NOT read instructions.
I never really thought about marriage like this. In a way, it’s good to hear that this is a phenomenon that exists between many couples. Makes me feel better about our definite differences! (I’m going to leave it to you to guess who the rulebreaker might be.)
I’m definitely the rule follower here. After 17 years of marriage, my husband is starting to rub off on me. Some rules are just too dumb to worry about. My husband’s motto is its easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Great post, Katrina, and interesting to think of this in the marriage context.
Mike is the rule follower in our house (as well as the Enforcer!) Remember his days as “The Commander” in Awana? Those were his glory days, I think. Anyways, I think I follow rules if they make sense (games). But I have a hard time with stupid rules (dress codes, etc.) that I see no sense in.
My philosophy when i taught jr. high was the less rules the better. So we had 2 rules in my class: Respect (others, yourself, property) and Responsibility (homework, listening in class, etc.) I’m your basic KISS (keep it simple silly!) kind of girl, I guess.
I find this funny My husband and I have been married 17 years but have been together—Oh it feels like forever—We dated for 6 years before we took the plunge. I am definately a quack quack off my back kinda girl and hubby follows the rules and gets upset about the little things.
We now have 2 teenagers and the quack quack off my back thing is working better than the This is the rule thing.
I love my life, my kids, my spouse and my church. I laugh often. Got to we have teens. Have a great day everyone
Katrina, You do take after your Dad on which rules are important and which are not. The apple and the tree!! I’m more of a non-rule person except where money and cleaning are concerned. Mom
So fun to see your Mom commenting on your blog! Bless her. :~)
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You and I could be twins, on the whole list! It always worries me when my HWH puts things together without reading directions as he goes! And speed rules/housekeeping rules are mainly just recommendations in my world!
I enjoyed this post.
Ditto! Great post! I’m a rule follower, for the most part. Hubby a rule-bender, sometimes breaker – after all boundaries must be tested…or so he says…
I come from a family of mostly rule followers. When “correcting” others we often quote a line in the movie Mr. Mom – “You’re doing it wrong.”
I like playing games with you. You follow the rules.
I follow rules when driving… changing lanes, following distance, etc. Not so much with speed.
I don’t follow the rules with my training classes, but that is because it is obvious that the curriculum doesn’t keep up with the speed of business.
–Garr
Funny story about games and rules. I was playing a board game/party game and noticed a couple people were sharing answers. No one was saying anything but then I noticed other people started doing the same thing. These two people ended up influencing the rest of the players. I mentioned that what they were doing was not in the rules and they said, yeah, but everyone does it when they played before
I think it’s fine to make “house rules” for a game a group plays often, but to play with new people and start changing the rules or subtly cheating is wrong. The rules are a guideline that has been playtested and found to work. Don’t go messing with the rules right away and altering people’s first impressions of a game. And don’t assume everyone else plays that way.
-Tim
Buffalo GameBuffs blog