As a mom, one of the things that I seek to do is communicate love to my kids in a way that is meaningful for them. If I love them with all my heart but just sit on my end of the couch thinking about it, that doesn’t do them much good. And if I express my love by writing them a million little encouraging notes, but they don’t get warm fuzzies from gobs and gobs of affirming words, that’s not quite enough either. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just that I could, and should, be doing more.
If you’ve read The Five Love Languages of Children, you’re familiar with the concept that everyone has a “love tank” and that the most effective way to fill a person’s tank is to match up the way you express your love with the way that person is wired. Some people feel highly valued and loved when they receive a gift; others thrive on spoken words that affirm and encourage them, still others need lots of hugs, etc. All the ways we can express love are important, and all are a necessary part of a good relationship, but if we take the time to know and act on the ways our kids most easily and readily feel loved, we can fill their love tanks to overflowing.
The bottom line is, sometimes we need to do a little detective work to figure out what it is that makes our kids feel especially loved and treasured. By watching how they express love, and how they respond to our own actions, we can catch a glimpse into how they’re made. I’ve been doing my own investigating for the last couple years with C. and was pretty sure I had him figured out. But just in case I wasn’t sure…
Hmm… let’s see if I can read C.’s most recent secret clues.
A few weeks ago:
“Mom, you know what I really like?”
“What do you really like?”
“When we can just sit and chat.”
And then last night:
“Mom, do you know what one of the great things about a family dinner is?”
“What?”
“It gives us a chance to have a good family chat.”
Now he doesn’t know what a “love language” is. But he might as well rent a billboard, complete with flashing neon light: I Feel Loved When My Parents Spend Time Talking With Me.
The funny thing is, because I like to receive a little gift now and then, I always find myself looking for the perfect birthday gift for him, or the absolutely coolest “just-because” surprise gadget to give him. Or because I need encouraging words in order to feel really loved, I often leave C. a post-it note to find in the morning, letting him know how great I think he is.
And those things are just fine. They’re good things. But I also need to make sure that I’m giving him what he really needs: undivided attention, time to chat, intentional family dinners. The book would call this love language “quality time.” C. just calls it love.
I’m glad figuring him out didn’t take a whole lot of detective work. Now I just need to continue doing my part by acting on it.
It’s a shame that not all kids are like that nowadays. I know this one kid that has been so spoiled that he does not appreciate one thing his mother does for him. So, stuff like that, he would totally overlook it. With him it has to be big and flashy.
Yeah–I’m always hearing “quality time” cues from my daughter and husband, and those are less important to me, so I need to listen harder for them.
Wow. What perfect timing for your post. My littlest fellow is definitely a “please just play and talk with me” kind of kiddo. And the last week has been so hectic, that I haven’t spent enough time showing him how loved he is, in the way that he needs. Thanks for the timely kick in the butt!
We just finished studying the book in our small group. Mine are still young, so it’s hard to tell what there’s will be. I am definitely Quality Time and Receiving Gifts, so I have to be careful not to buy them stuff all the time. They really couldn’t care less about getting new stuff.
My brood is now 13 almost 14 and 14 almost 15. I must admit that I miss family dinners but I feel the trick of the game is to trust in the seeds that my husband sowed many years ago.
I was planning a big dinner last night but when I picked my daughter up from school at 5 yesterday she informed me that she wanted to go to the talent show at 6.
I brought her home and my 14 year old asked what was for dinner? His sister wasn’t hungry and he had just polished off a large pizza and was still hungry.
I told him that it was fend for yourself night as daddy wouldn’t be home until 2AM.
I love that my kids are so active and of late our QT has been in the car driving to and from.
For my son it is always in the AM’s when I wake him up. He goes and takes ashower and when he comes out we usually talk for about 10 minutes.
I have learned that it is not the anount of time but the time when we are friends and at least laugh.
Have a great day All!
This is a very good reminder. I’ve been hearing a lot of “you know what I need more of? cuddle time.” That’s what my daughter needs — quality time. I’m feeling a bit convicted as this was also what my devotions were about this morning…
Katrina,
You must be doing some good parenting since your little guy is communicating this with you. Good work, mom.
Sweet post. You make a good point in that we tend to give love in the way we like to receive it, when what we really need to do is consider what makes the other person feel loved.
Oh yes, it’s so helpful when they actually tell us what their love language is! I admit sometimes I need to listen more carefully. My youngest has frequently said, “Mommy, you never play with me,” but I feel like I play with her so much! Finally I had to really tune in, realize that “playing with her” is her love language, and then figure out exactly what constitutes “playing.” It definitely has taken some detective work — along with some self-sacrifice since I’m not really a “player.” But this is what motherhood is all about, and the rewards of giving them the “kind” of love they need — priceless.
That is wonderful.. Those will be the moments he cherishes and carries on to his own life…
How handy to have him state it so clearly! I still have to observe and ponder the possibilities with my four, but I have some pretty good guesses.
Once I think I’ve got them pegged, it’s hard when they have a totally different love-language from mine. I have to work so hard at it, because it doesn’t naturally occur to me.
Great reminders!
Really great posting! I wasn’t familiar with this whole concept (hadn’t read the books) until a speaker I heard not too long ago talked about it (in the adult terms). It was great to realize what my husband and I each most wanted, and it has made a big difference to each of us. Maybe I’ll need to find that book at our library about kids.
I read the first book years ago. I’m thinking a reread is coming on.
I just ordered that book off of Amazon yesterday. This post makes me glad I did!
Everyone in my house is a quality time person, which is a bit exhausting!
Your post is a great reminder that my son needs that snuggle time with me.
Wonderful post!
That was cool! God surely has a sense of humor…I have three children, and one husband…and they ALL speak different languages…I could work for the UN!! LOL!!
Oh Katrina, your little guy is so precious!
What a great post – thanks for the reminder. We don’t have any kids but my DH’s love language is also quality time and words of encouragement.
Mine is acts of service!!!
I think Hunter’s love language is M&M’s.
Love the Love Languages. Works great for couples, too!! (I’m a couples counselor, so I can say that!!)
My daughter Mandy doesn’t have children of her own yet but she has a classroom full of third grade students. She thinks The Five Love Languages of Children is one of the best books ever written. As a matter of fact, I gave her that book for Christmas.
Hi there!
I wish all the kids had such fantastic “Tells”!! It would make life so much easier. I, too, have gift-giving as a love language (which might explain the toys all over the floor). I have one child with “quality time” and one with “gifts”. I have to be so careful not to overgift the giftee..and neglect the quality time. It’s probably time for a mom/son date to McD’s. (he’s all into the Ninja Turtles)
The other reasons for my visit – aside from the fact that I like your blog —
First – I second the nomination of who ever gave you the Thinking Blogger Award. I’ve given you another one. Or the first one if you haven’t received one…but how can you not? Anyway..it’s on my blog today.
And second – I finally finished my first Thing book….and wrote a review-type thing about it. Wanted you to know – O, Supreme High Thingee.
Bleach Free Blessings!
That’s where I struggle–the application.
It’s so hard to make ourselves work outside of our “box.” Kudos, Katrina, for doing that!
So sweet…And wonderful that he tells you. Very good communication for a young boy! I also find it amazing that sometimes the most wanted kind of love is time and attention.