I have a gift. It is a gift neither enviable nor useful. In fact, if I could rub elbows with a total stranger and, in so doing, transfer this gift to that unsuspecting person, I’d do it without thinking twice.
My gift is this:
Whenever I’m in a store, particularly if I’m in a hurry or if it is getting close to Christmas and all is chaos, I always pick the wrong checkout line.
It doesn’t matter if I have two to choose from or ten. It doesn’t matter if every line but one has 5 people in it and I pick the remaining line that only has two customers. Without fail, the line I pick is the wrong one. The slow one. The problem-laden one.
I slowly watch all the other people who joined lines at the same time as me move their way up to their prospective cashiers, pay for their items and leave the store…while I stand, helplessly, frustrated that once again, my line was the one with the hold-up. My first piece of advice to you is this: if you are in a store with me, never join me in the checkout line that I choose. Never.
But I have some more advice for you today. Because of my gift, I’ve been able to compile a list of “wrong line scenarios.” I’ll share them with you here so that if you ever see one of them developing you’ll know what to do: get thee to another checkout line. If you don’t, you only have yourself to blame.
wrong checkout line. Again.
1. The surprise returner. This scenario is all about the lady in front of you who appears to have a simple, no-hassle transaction. She’s buying three items, does so quickly, and then…just as she’s about to leave, she says, “Oops, I almost forgot – I have a return.” She proceeds to dig some tiny item out of her purse and presents it to the cashier with an apologetic, “But I don’t have the receipt.” The cashier – being some of the temporary help hired for the holiday season – doesn’t know what to do with a lady who has an item to return, but lacks the receipt, price tag, and any actually useful information. You might as well pull up a chair; you’ll be here for a while.
2. The group shopper. You’ve analyzed the lines. You’ve surreptitiously counted items in people’s carts, and you’ve chosen the line where a nice-looking young lady is next in line, and the best part is – she only has 7 items in her cart! She loads her treasures onto the belt and just as you prepare to place the little divider-doohicky on the belt that indicates her order is complete and yours is about to begin, she calls out, “Mom! Over here!” A nice-looking older woman pushes her cart up in front of yours, smiles at you, offers a simple, “Excuse me, I’m with her” and begins to stack her 572 items on the belt. Maybe they’re not as nice as they look.
3. The flashing cashier light. You know this one. As the cashier is checking out the customer in front of you, something goes horribly awry with her order and the cashier has to flip the little switch that makes her line-number-light blink. She may also have to call out, “Price check on 8! Price check on 8!” or perhaps, “Manager needed on register 5!” Rats! Foiled again.
4. The malfunctioning register. As the receipt prints out for the man in front of you, the cash register begins making strange sounds. The end of his receipt gets mangled. Perhaps the register even begins spewing smoke or emitting odd odors. The cashier, who clearly was not hired for any technical ability, can only say, “Shoot! What in the world is wrong with this thing?” She then opens the little door to the register tape and starts pulling out levers and springs and other mechanical-looking items. Needless to say, this approach doesn’t work. Too bad for you, all your stuff is on the belt. It takes you a while to pack it all back up in the cart and get to another register. At the back of the line, of course.
5. The missing spouse. Everything appears to be going just fine. The lady in front of you had only 6 items, they all rung up without a hitch, the cashier tells the customer her total. But then she replies, “Oh, I’m sorry. I sent my husband back to get a different color of yarn – I had picked up the wrong one initially. He’ll be right back.” She smiles – somewhat apologetically – at both you and the cashier. The husband doesn’t return. The lady fidgets, the cashier starts looking a bit steamed. Still no husband. You look around and try to weigh the odds: If I get in the next line over, at the end of the line, would I get to the cashier before this errant husband returns? Who knows? All you know is that it would appear that he headed to the craft department by way of the sporting goods department and apparently got waylaid by lures or ammunition or camouflage underpants. Better luck next time.
I sincerely hope that none of you have quite the rotten track-record that I do when it comes to checkout lines. I’m sad to report that I’ve experienced all of these scenarios in the last month or so. Is it any wonder that I do most of my Christmas shopping online?
You are so funny, Katrina!
I was in line at the Post Office yesterday (ick). It was a looong line and there were only two workers. About 3 people went through one of the workers (one was sending packages internationally, which was a hassle and expensive), and this guy in the other line is just trying to buy stamps. Extra postage for a few Christmas cards. They were out of the 10 cent stamp which he needed, but he wasn’t willing to buy the 15 cent stamp, I think. I was so frustrated.
You couldn’t have described these five scenarios any more perfectly. I’m afraid I have this knack, too. I’m proud to say, however, I’m never ever the one who commits these checkout crimes.
I have this same problem. Actually, it is a medical condition known as ELS. Erroneous Line Syndrome. It is a chronic, recurring condition which most often strikes at Walmart, Target, the Post Office and once every six years at the Department of Motor Vehicles-Drivers License Department.
There is no known cure.
Well, well, well, I’m so glad to see I’m not the only one with the problem. ME TOO! Great post.
Fun post! I have this gift also…and what’s worse, when I find myself in a line like that I will usually change to another line! And that ends up being a bigger mistake most of the time. The new line will all of a sudden come to a stop while the previous line will miraculously move again!
When I was 3 weeks away from my due date, my water partially broke as I stood in a checkout line while the clerk was scanning my items (enough for me to notice, but not all the fluid at once). I kept this predicament to myself and was so glad there were no malfunctioning registers or flashing cashier lights to impede my hasty exit.
You crack me up, and I too have the same talent. My husband the Not so patient one, always says “you do this to me everytime!”. Yep, its a gift.
There must be a support group out there for this because, alas, I also have this problem.
Ah, you share that wonderful gift with my husband. You’re so funny!
Too funny! Online shopping is definitely a God send!
Laura
I am the queen of picking the wrong line. It matters not the store, the time of day, the number of people in the line, or the number of items in my cart. I am always in the slowest line.
I don’t need you to pass on this gift because I already have it in abundance.
I laughed through this whole post, you are so right!
Katrina,
This happens to me all the time. So much so that I even strike up conversations with those behind me… “you probably don’t want to be in this line behind me – it will be the slowest line.” I seriously do!
I loved this whole post and am emailing it to my hubby because we always laugh about this when shopping.
For the longest time I found myself saying…Oh…What an Opportunity for me! It didn’t matter the situation–Traffic jam, line in store, Oh what an opportunity! Husband was laid off–Oh what an opportunity!–Teenage son did something STUPID–Oh what an opportunity!
Life sure does have a way to make me stop and SMELL those $#@*#!^ Roses. Oh…What an opportunity!
Enjoy your opportunities.
Have a delightful holiday!
Pamela
Camouflage underpants?!
I am rolling in the floor! That is so hilarious–because it is all so true!
I think we all have your gift, or feel like we do. My husband recently had one of those experiences and vented his frustrations in great detail when he got home.
The best humor is real life – and this was laugh-out-loud funny Katrina. I’m absolutely with you on this. I have a knack for not only picking the wrong line, but upon deciding that the next line over is moving much faster and moving there, encountering any of the scenarios you so eloquently stated.
Happy Shopping!!
this is soooo funny, I can totally realate, it’s Murphey’s Law all the way for me when it comes to picking the “quickest line”!!!!
I like the camouflage underpants. Precious.
Well hey, it gave you time to come up with a great laugh for the rest of us! How did I almost miss this one?
Great post. You really hit the nail on the head with this one,
Here’s a good one for ya! My husband even gets it online! He ordered something and a refill kit for it, and they somehow made it TWO orders with twice the shipping! And the didn’t come at the same time, just the refill kit so far!