I was recently listening to some CDs from a writer’s conference when I was struck by a particular story. The speaker had served in Vietnam, and shared that his father had wanted a weekly report on what he was doing to live and to learn in the midst of his time there. His dad would not have been pleased if he had simply been crossing off days on a calendar, just “doing time” until he could come home again. Instead, he wanted his son to be really living. He shouldn’t wait for “real life” to resume – this was real life, and he should act like it.

How often have I found myself just doing time? Plenty. How often have I said, “I just have to hang in there until _____________. If I can just get through _______________, then things will be better”? Lots. And then I’ve proceeded to just drag myself through those hours or days or weeks…not really living. Just waiting until I could start living again at some point in the future.

When I was in high school and college, I worked several school breaks at a department store. Not my favorite job. Most of the time, I was bored out of my mind. So I would calculate how many minutes of work I had left that day and write it on a scrap of paper.

349.

Then, as each minute passed, I’d cross off that number and write the next.

349. 348.

Minute by agonizing minute, I crawled through the day. No enjoyment, no learning, no living.

When my first son was a newborn, I was having a rough time. I didn’t know it then, but I was struggling with postpartum depression. I felt completely out of my element and the only way I could think to cope was by looking forward to some imagined future point when things would be easier…or at least more manageable. So I would keep count-downs in my journal.

42 days until C. in three months old.
18 days until Christmas.

Day by day, I crawled through the early months. I missed much of the enjoyment of the snuggles, the cuddles, the baby sighs of those first few weeks…because I was so focused on the future instead of the present.

How many moments of joy, how many opportunities to experience wonder, how many lessons have I missed in my life because I wasn’t really living? I’ll never know. But I do know that I don’t want to miss any more. I want to glean everything I can in this life. I firmly believe that there’s a purpose to everything that God allows to happen in my life. And even if I never know that purpose this side of heaven, I don’t want to allow experiences to go unharvested. Even if I find myself in difficult and disheartening situations (as I’m sure I will from time to time), I want to find a way to keep living, keep learning.

No matter what happens this week, or next week, or the week after that, –good or bad — this is real life – and I want to act like it.

Thirteen Things I’m Not-So-Good At

1. Small talk – I really don’t enjoy social events where I don’t know many people, because I pretty much stink at small talk. My closest friends are ones with whom I can sit quietly and it doesn’t bother either of us – we don’t feel the need to fill silence with words. But in social settings, I feel like I should say something…but I can never seem to come up with anything.

2. Knitting - This bugs me, because I’m good at crocheting. Therefore, I feel I should also be a competent knitter. They both involve needles and yarn, right? I know the mechanics, but I just can’t seem to knit evenly or quickly. So I just get frustrated and go back to crocheting!

3. Baking with yeast – I love to bake. I bake all kinds of cookies, brownies, quick breads. But I have yet to master the critter known as yeast. I think I goof up the water – I make it too hot or too cold or too something. I’m not giving up though – I will conquer those little single-celled buggers!

4. Painting - Either kind of painting, really (pictures or walls), but I’m referring specifically to wall-painting. I’ve done it, quite often in fact, but I’m never pleased with the result. I think I’m just not patient enough – I rush the job and end up with poor coverage.

5. Drawing - I have no artistic talent whatsoever. But I’m really good at making stick people!

6. Falling asleep – My husband can enter dreamland 30 seconds after his head hits the pillow. Me? It takes at least 20 minutes to get my brain to stop running in circles long enough for me to drift off.

7. Cleaning - I have several friends who actually like to clean. I don’t get this. Cleaning is a necessary evil, as far as I’m concerned. To be honest, I like a clean house, but I don’t need it to be spotless, and I don’t think the effort it takes to make it spotless is worth it. I also get frustrated by the fact that 10 minutes after cleaning…the house is no longer clean.

8. Being spontaneous - I am a planner. In fact, my husband knows better than to surprise me with a trip somewhere, because rather than being pleasantly surprised, I would be stressed out beyond belief. I like to know what’s coming and have everything scheduled in advance. So, my secret for seeming like I’m fun and spontaneous is to plan spontanaeity into our day. “Hey – I have an idea. Let’s go out to eat!” Ha – little do they know that I’ve been planning this spontaneous suggestion all day!

9. Drinking 8 8-oz glasses of water each day – I try. I really do. But I never seem to get it all in.

10. Envisioning the potential of a house - My mother-in-law can walk into a fixer-upper and see all that it can become, with enough love and care. I seriously lack that ability. I walk into a fixer-upper and I see projects beyond my capability that won’t make much difference anyway. I wish I could see the potential, but my inability does make me appreciate and admire the people who can.

11. Remembering historical facts - I must have had a mental block throughout all the history classes I took in high school and college. I remember a few little details: the Magna Carta was signed in 1215, the Pilgrims came here in 1620, there was someone in France named Robes-Pierre, and something happened (in England, I think) in 1066. That’s it. Good thing I married a history major – he handles all the historical stuff for me!

12. Running any significant distance – I set the school record for the Shuttle Run my senior year of high school, but I was beaten badly by the 1/2-mile run. To this day, if I attempt to run anything more than a short sprint, I get a stitch in my side, my hands swell, and I feel like collapsing approximately one minute into it. I can do an hour-long advanced aerobics class, I can kickbox until my heartrate is skyrocketing, but just don’t ask me to run!

13. Dieting - Um…yeah. I’m just no good at this. Enough said!

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Confession: I love online shopping. Books, clothes, gifts, diapers, formula…you name it, I’ve probably ordered it online. I love not having to fight the crowds, I love being able to find just about anything I need, and I love having things delivered right to my door. The UPS man is a regular visitor at my doorstep and my husband just rolls his eyes when he sees more brown boxes by the garbage cans – evidence of my latest purchase.

Problem: My credit card number has been stolen three times. I’ve never suffered long-term consequences from the theft – the credit card company has always noticed the situation right away and called me to confirm or deny charges to my account. But it is a major hassle to go through the list of charges, wait for a new card to arrive, transfer any recurring charges to the new number, etc. And all evidence would indicate that each time, my number was stolen from a different online store. Whether it’s hackers getting into the store’s database or an unscrupulous employee – online shopping has its dangers.

Solution: One-time use credit card numbers. My Discover card allows me to use “disposable” credit card numbers when I shop online. I simply drop by their website, click the mouse a few times, and it generates a number that I can use for one purchase, which is valid for *only* that purchase. So if anyone else attempts to use it, it won’t work. My “real” number remains secure and in my wallet. The whole process takes about 30-60 seconds and is definitely worth the peace of mind I get, knowing that my number can not be stolen. It works for me!

Don’t forget to check out all the other Works for Me Wednesday tips over at Shannon’s blog!

Yesterday was one of those days. My one-month-old decided to have a non-napping, all-crying-all-the-time kind of day. By day’s end, I had managed to get dinner on the table, but I was frazzled to say the least.

So while my very helpful husband took charge of the boys, I retreated to my tub with a page-turner and a glass of water. I luxuriated in a very hot bath – the kind I have not been able to take since before I got pregnant. I turned page after page, only reluctantly stopping when an hour had passed and I knew my presence would be appreciated for the bed-time routine. That one hour of solitude and pampering re-charged me, so I was ready to face the evening – and night – ahead.

What’s your favorite way to relieve stress and prepare yourself to dive back into the day?

I’d be the first person to admit that I’m not crazy about change. I happen to be a big fan of predictability, security, even boredom – if it means that life feels manageable. And the truth is, even for people who thrive on chaos, change can be difficult. All change involves a loss – you are losing the way things used to be. So even if a change is needed, wanted, and a really good thing, you still have to adjust, you might grieve the way things used to be, and you will probably feel a bit out of your element for a while. And when a change is un-wanted, well…that can make a person downright grouchy.

But life involves change – we can’t escape it. And that’s something C. learned this weekend as I imposed a very much un-wanted change on his life.

L. was born right at the end of the school year and, in the interest of maintaining the peace (and getting in as many naps for myself as possible), there have been very few limits on TV watching or video game playing in this house. C. has still had to get his basic chores done and the TV / Gamecube have certainly not been on all day, every day. But…let’s just say that he came to see video games as a “right” instead of a “privilege” over the last month.

All that changed on Saturday. I presented C. with a list of things that would “earn” him video game time (TV time will simply be limited at my discretion, but I decided we would use his beloved video games as a way to teach a little more about work ethic and contributing to the running of the household). Now, in all honesty, I made it really easy to earn video game time. He is required to practice the piano and read a certain number of minutes every day anyway, only now, those required activities earn him video game time. Simple chores, like putting the silverware away and filling the cat food bowl, will also earn playing time. And he can earn bonus time every day simply by having a great attitude and exhibiting an overall helpfulness.

C.’s response? First, he looked at me as if to say, “Are you serious?” Then he put the paper down with ‘emphasis,’ and said, “Fine. I won’t be playing video games anymore, I guess.”

I first responded with logic. “Well, C., that doesn’t make sense. Some of these things you do every day anyway, so why not earn video game time?”

“Because I don’t want to. I don’t think this is a good idea, so I’m not going to do it. I’ll just never play video games again.” (Have I ever mentioned his tendency to be a bit melodramatic?)

All right. Forget the let’s-be-logical approach.

“Okay, that’s fine with me. I certainly don’t mind if you don’t want to play video games anymore.” And I picked up the list, posted it on the refrigerator, and went about my business.

There then ensued some pouting on the couch, glares that went ignored, and some ridiculous requests (“Can we keep the Gamecube where I can’t see it so I’m not tempted?” “No – other people might want to play. We’re not getting rid of it just because you’re choosing to throw a fit.”). We had about 20 minutes of general unhappiness over this unexpected change.

And then, oh so calmly, he got the list off the refrigerator and looked it over once more.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Can I swiffer the floors?”

“Sure.”

And he did. He did a good job, learned a little about tracking down the cat hair in the corners and along the baseboard, and all told, earned himself 20 minutes of video game time. And best of all, he developed a much better attitude and expressed pride at the good cleaning job he had done. It had taken a little time and a bit of humility, but he had accepted that this is the way things are going to be and he might as well make the best of it.

I’m sure he’s not exactly thrilled that he can no longer play whenever and however long he wants to, but he’s also realized that the new system won’t be that bad.

If only all changes just took 20 minutes to get used to! I must admit that I’ve been known to throw longer and louder fits at some of the changes I’ve faced in the past. However, just knowing that things are going to be rough for a while, but that when I get used to the “new normal,” they’ll improve greatly helps me over the rough spots.

How about you? How do you deal with change?